A Semi-Charmed Life: Mike's Journey

Learning things from scratch ...

Thursday, December 29, 2016

A broken process of love

For what it's worth, I never have any negative thoughts with our relationship, I only speak when I need to, I keep myself real to anyone, I am with all honesty feel not to say anything that doesn't concern us. When I understand about your thoughts, about us in the process and what you think I do and did, I felt that there are things, major things that really bothers you to which I cannot somehow resolve myself.

I already accepted things that are outside my thoughts just to prove what I can do for her. Given the third time of her not accepting or thinking that I am like this (stiff and unromantic) and should have learned. I came to a conclusion that I'm not the one for her needs and the attention she always wanted. I have my limitations and priorities. I thanked and loved her for those months...genuinely.

I wish her to find the right guy she always somehow trying to see within me.

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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Me débrouiller tout seul?

Je dois me pousser comme ma famille a besoin de moi plus que je vais faire quelque chose pour moi-même , mais en quelque sorte , dans un proche avenir, je dois penser pour moi-même . Je suppose que je ne suis pas égoïste à ce point . La question est, quand puis -je continuer à planifier pour mon propre avenir et finalement ma propre famille .

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Struggle

A story from a friend:

Anyway, a girl that I know and was very close and intimate with, and with whom I share a pretty powerful bond, told me 9 months ago after a long period of peer pressure that she just didn't feel the same… (Which I never believed for one moment, not after what we shared) That was 9 months ago. I was bluntly told that for right or wrong this was her choice and that all she had to offer was friendship (these exact words are still seared into me).

Hurt and blown to pieces – I told her I wouldn't be the type to linger around waiting that one day she would have a change of heart, that it was better to go our own paths until such time we could be just friends. That was the last time we saw each other or had contact.

Since then however not a single day has gone by that I did not ache in my heart somewhat fierce for missing her. I've tried to forget her, I've tried to fight it, I've tried to hate her, I've tried to simply ignore it. In the end I just accepted it and started to live with it being constantly there. It never goes away. If I distract myself, the missing comes creeping back as soon as there is a quiet moment. Anyway that went on for 9 months. I met another girl recently, whom I tried to run warm for – and in all fairness she is a really nice girl. But as soon as this happened I fell into conflict, because all of a sudden I realized how much I still felt for girl A. So I kept girl B at a distance, trying to sort my conflict out! The other thing that plagued me is that I just couldn't bring myself to be emotionally interested in girl B for some reason.

It came to the point that I told the Universe – “guys… I can’t do this any more. I need to move forward, one way or the other. If girl A and me have a future together than I need a clear and undeniable sign. I can’t keep going like this, it’s wearing me down”

Two days go past and girl A after 9 months no contact, out of the blue TXTs me… She saw me in a shop and wondered how I was. Since then we’ve met (on my suggestion), had a great afternoon as friends, reconnected on a spiritual level and have had some contact by txt since over a space of a few months. I suggested last week to catch up again and do something together – stupidly or not, suggesting to go for a beach walk or catch a movie together. That pretty much was the end of that it seems. She’s not replied nor gotten in touch since.

Point of the story I guess – I truly love her for who she is and what she means to me (on a very deep level) more than anything, I love our spiritual connection and for me this is enough to have her in my life as a friend if that is what’s in the stars for us. But letting her go and having to give her up, boy it’s pretty hard and confusing at times. It’s also the strongest impulse for growth in awareness, it does steel you. You learn as you fall and pick yourself up. You learn to live with the pain of loss.

My struggle every time

If you love someone and you are just friends, you can do it, but it feels like more than friends, and it sucks that the relationship cannot develop in something more than friends. It is only that you just want to hold the person in your life that you keep sustaining the friendship, and sometimes you keep hoping that it will turn out to something more than friendship.

Also you cannot move on with your life finding someone you can love, because you stay in love with the friend. it feels sad when the friend has someone else he or she loves but at the same time you want the friend to be truly happy, and i don’t like the feelings of hanging to someone that is not available if you love the person, unless it is an agreement, that both parties understand they cannot have a relationship but they still love each other anyway.

If it is the other way around, when you are the one loved, it feels awkward if you know the other persons feelings, and you constantly have to set boundaries, if you don’t want it to go further than just friends. If the person keeps on pushing to more than just friends, it feels forced. The adoration feels OK and I liked to reflect it back by being extra nice to the person but it is a one way street so it doesn't feel fulfilling in the end, because you are not in love with that same person.

Some thoughts:

In order to love, we should feel responsibility, care,  respect and have insight in that person.
Love shouldn't be about possession so if you really love someone you will let them live and grow and not be quick to pick them from your garden but to respect their wishes

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Monday, February 23, 2015

To a new beginning

This past few days, I have been in a whirlwind of emotions that defines me and the person I used to love. All the while I thought everything will be back to normal even if it hurts me, but things got difficult when someone that is also in deep shit just entered into the relationship that made the situation more problematic. I know I have been honest, so honest she got scared and confused, but I accepted everything... Everything just to have the friendship stay, even it kills me.

I almost understand her, but I guess I didn't, or maybe I was too blind to see her mixing up my emotions to her. She thinks I'm somehow clouded with my judgement, that I'm the one being selfish every time. I'm disappointed, frustrated and still every time she pops out on my inbox I got the smile that she might realise what I was trying to say. Unfortunately not.

She was still thinking something that I guess, she thinks I'm trying to push myself for her to love me romantically which is not true at all. I'm only trying to stay away to let the pain fade away to which she always try to get in touch as I have feelings still I did try to reconcile, but I was primarily staying as just friends. As a friend at least she should understand what I'm dealing with. I was also trying for her to meet me personally but she wasn't doing it. In the end I was the one who initiated the invite for us to talk like mature adults. Sadly, she still has this tendency to evade on me, saying a lot of things to not let this happen but in the first few words she will say yes, and eventually cancelling it. If you just value our friendship at least you'll find time for me since you knew what I'm carrying as we speak, this concludes my friendship for her. I said a lot of really crappy things that confused and hurt you in the past days and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been a very good friend lately to you and I'm sorry, okay?

The truth is I'm afraid to be your friend any more because I'm always going to want more.

But then I got to thinking that-that I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.
You know what? That's a lie too.

I tried to be all out in hearing your thoughts, your answers, your go to guy... your option,  I always give you the true meaning of friendship that binds us together, but in return you did not even bother giving me at least one of them where I need it the most.

I told myself, you have shown me such great emphasis that I learned a lot of things about falling in love with my best friend, learning the true meaning behind it, witnessed the darker side of our friendship and sadly the final end of it, but I'm still wishing that one day we'll cross our paths, and you'll see me not as your best friend but a stranger... maybe we'll start something new or maybe everything will be just too late.  I wish you all the best and it was really great knowing, sharing happiness and pains with, having and loving you.

Goodbye and take care, (always close your eyes when you're scared)


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Sunday, February 15, 2015

Last SMS?

In the past days, I have been honest to the person I have fallen to... my best friend.

It wasn't an easy thing to say, having said that we were not face to face, but I knew that was the right time to say these things, to which I knew she will be confused and shocked. As days go by, seems like everything was just fine, we were chatting just like the usual, but maybe there is now a thing that somehow makes the situation awkward for both of us.

She tried to be civil about it, and I was glad that she did. I'm not ignorant about feelings any more, I have been hurt and loved that you will understand the difference. From that moment I have told myself, was my decision to tell her everything really destroys the bond between us? Was it just her feelings that I was being confused? Does she just wants me to be distance and understand that all I am was just that friend who will be there whenever she needed someone the most? I really couldn't tell the difference. All I know is I have fallen for her, and I couldn't miss a day not to wait for her messages about the day she went through, funny stories and the happy days between us. Things should change, and I know she did change my perspective, I hope she wasn't the woman I have seen for a lot of people I know. She's smart and strong-willed, I know she'll be fine with whatever decisions she will make.

Today I have sent a message, a message I couldn't hide any more. I know she's still confused and don't know what to say... and I fully understand her.

Hi good evening, I just wanted to say thank you for being that person I have admired, I thought I will never have those feelings after so many years. It was great to have you and tell things inside and out just by being me. I have fallen for you that it gives me a great sense of feeling of loving that someone again. You deserve someone that truly understands you, I know I can't say you'll feel the same way but if you do, you know I'm just a smile away. Thank you and I'm very happy for the woman you've become.

This was the SMS I have sent to her, I guess I have given her my last few words as a loving person to my best friend or someone that I wanted to share my happiness and failures in life. I miss you and wishing you the best of days of happiness and success in life.

Love, Pakners.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Fallin for You.

It is a complicated and tricky situation.

These things change dramatically when you fall in love with your best friend and the future entirely depends on whether he/she feels the same way as you do. 

You don't fall in love with your best friend instantly, it should have a long history of events between you two sharing those experiences either good or bad. Normally we don't even know that we love them up until the time you have felt that emotion spinning out that you can't hide it inside your head anymore. It takes time for us to realise that it is a little more than friendship that you think it is about time for you to be honest with it. 

But many times, this feeling is one sided and that's where the problem starts.

If you don't tell him/her about your feelings, it might get really uncomfortable for you, hearing about his/her crushes, talks, dates with other people etc.

In the process if you tell him/her about your feelings, he/she might FRIENDZONE you and start keeping distance from you so that you get over him/her or that thought of falling.

That is even worse. (Probably you'll learn it is just far same with other people)

So Falling in love with your best friend can either be one of the best feeling you will ever experience or it might just be the opposite.

PS: I did break the ice. 

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Monday, January 05, 2015


Programmer to Team Leader: 

"We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT**. It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system.
And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this
application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they
can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these
type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager :

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any
staff that has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is
unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take
this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project
of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager :

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much
experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are
appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do
the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager :

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have
worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they
can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project,
but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO :

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in
remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary
skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have
already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my
personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any
circumstances. "

CEO to Client :

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have
executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me
when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing
this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this
project successfully and well within the given time frame.