To a new beginning

This past few days, I have been in a whirlwind of emotions that defines me and the person I used to love. All the while I thought everything will be back to normal even if it hurts me, but things got difficult when someone that is also in deep shit just entered into the relationship that made the situation more problematic. I know I have been honest, so honest she got scared and confused, but I accepted everything... Everything just to have the friendship stay, even it kills me.

I almost understand her, but I guess I didn't, or maybe I was too blind to see her mixing up my emotions to her. She thinks I'm somehow clouded with my judgement, that I'm the one being selfish every time. I'm disappointed, frustrated and still every time she pops out on my inbox I got the smile that she might realise what I was trying to say. Unfortunately not.

She was still thinking something that I guess, she thinks I'm trying to push myself for her to love me romantically which is not true at all. I'm only trying to stay away to let the pain fade away to which she always try to get in touch as I have feelings still I did try to reconcile, but I was primarily staying as just friends. As a friend at least she should understand what I'm dealing with. I was also trying for her to meet me personally but she wasn't doing it. In the end I was the one who initiated the invite for us to talk like mature adults. Sadly, she still has this tendency to evade on me, saying a lot of things to not let this happen but in the first few words she will say yes, and eventually cancelling it. If you just value our friendship at least you'll find time for me since you knew what I'm carrying as we speak, this concludes my friendship for her. I said a lot of really crappy things that confused and hurt you in the past days and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been a very good friend lately to you and I'm sorry, okay?

The truth is I'm afraid to be your friend any more because I'm always going to want more.

But then I got to thinking that-that I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.
You know what? That's a lie too.

I tried to be all out in hearing your thoughts, your answers, your go to guy... your option,  I always give you the true meaning of friendship that binds us together, but in return you did not even bother giving me at least one of them where I need it the most.

I told myself, you have shown me such great emphasis that I learned a lot of things about falling in love with my best friend, learning the true meaning behind it, witnessed the darker side of our friendship and sadly the final end of it, but I'm still wishing that one day we'll cross our paths, and you'll see me not as your best friend but a stranger... maybe we'll start something new or maybe everything will be just too late.  I wish you all the best and it was really great knowing, sharing happiness and pains with, having and loving you.

Goodbye and take care, (always close your eyes when you're scared)

Pakners