A Semi-Charmed Life: Mike's Journey

Learning things from scratch ...

Monday, February 23, 2015

To a new beginning

This past few days, I have been in a whirlwind of emotions that defines me and the person I used to love. All the while I thought everything will be back to normal even if it hurts me, but things got difficult when someone that is also in deep shit just entered into the relationship that made the situation more problematic. I know I have been honest, so honest she got scared and confused, but I accepted everything... Everything just to have the friendship stay, even it kills me.

I almost understand her, but I guess I didn't, or maybe I was too blind to see her mixing up my emotions to her. She thinks I'm somehow clouded with my judgement, that I'm the one being selfish every time. I'm disappointed, frustrated and still every time she pops out on my inbox I got the smile that she might realise what I was trying to say. Unfortunately not.

She was still thinking something that I guess, she thinks I'm trying to push myself for her to love me romantically which is not true at all. I'm only trying to stay away to let the pain fade away to which she always try to get in touch as I have feelings still I did try to reconcile, but I was primarily staying as just friends. As a friend at least she should understand what I'm dealing with. I was also trying for her to meet me personally but she wasn't doing it. In the end I was the one who initiated the invite for us to talk like mature adults. Sadly, she still has this tendency to evade on me, saying a lot of things to not let this happen but in the first few words she will say yes, and eventually cancelling it. If you just value our friendship at least you'll find time for me since you knew what I'm carrying as we speak, this concludes my friendship for her. I said a lot of really crappy things that confused and hurt you in the past days and I'm sorry about that. I haven't been a very good friend lately to you and I'm sorry, okay?

The truth is I'm afraid to be your friend any more because I'm always going to want more.

But then I got to thinking that-that I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all.
You know what? That's a lie too.

I tried to be all out in hearing your thoughts, your answers, your go to guy... your option,  I always give you the true meaning of friendship that binds us together, but in return you did not even bother giving me at least one of them where I need it the most.

I told myself, you have shown me such great emphasis that I learned a lot of things about falling in love with my best friend, learning the true meaning behind it, witnessed the darker side of our friendship and sadly the final end of it, but I'm still wishing that one day we'll cross our paths, and you'll see me not as your best friend but a stranger... maybe we'll start something new or maybe everything will be just too late.  I wish you all the best and it was really great knowing, sharing happiness and pains with, having and loving you.

Goodbye and take care, (always close your eyes when you're scared)


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Sunday, February 15, 2015

Last SMS?

In the past days, I have been honest to the person I have fallen to... my best friend.

It wasn't an easy thing to say, having said that we were not face to face, but I knew that was the right time to say these things, to which I knew she will be confused and shocked. As days go by, seems like everything was just fine, we were chatting just like the usual, but maybe there is now a thing that somehow makes the situation awkward for both of us.

She tried to be civil about it, and I was glad that she did. I'm not ignorant about feelings any more, I have been hurt and loved that you will understand the difference. From that moment I have told myself, was my decision to tell her everything really destroys the bond between us? Was it just her feelings that I was being confused? Does she just wants me to be distance and understand that all I am was just that friend who will be there whenever she needed someone the most? I really couldn't tell the difference. All I know is I have fallen for her, and I couldn't miss a day not to wait for her messages about the day she went through, funny stories and the happy days between us. Things should change, and I know she did change my perspective, I hope she wasn't the woman I have seen for a lot of people I know. She's smart and strong-willed, I know she'll be fine with whatever decisions she will make.

Today I have sent a message, a message I couldn't hide any more. I know she's still confused and don't know what to say... and I fully understand her.

Hi good evening, I just wanted to say thank you for being that person I have admired, I thought I will never have those feelings after so many years. It was great to have you and tell things inside and out just by being me. I have fallen for you that it gives me a great sense of feeling of loving that someone again. You deserve someone that truly understands you, I know I can't say you'll feel the same way but if you do, you know I'm just a smile away. Thank you and I'm very happy for the woman you've become.

This was the SMS I have sent to her, I guess I have given her my last few words as a loving person to my best friend or someone that I wanted to share my happiness and failures in life. I miss you and wishing you the best of days of happiness and success in life.

Love, Pakners.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Fallin for You.

It is a complicated and tricky situation.

These things change dramatically when you fall in love with your best friend and the future entirely depends on whether he/she feels the same way as you do. 

You don't fall in love with your best friend instantly, it should have a long history of events between you two sharing those experiences either good or bad. Normally we don't even know that we love them up until the time you have felt that emotion spinning out that you can't hide it inside your head anymore. It takes time for us to realise that it is a little more than friendship that you think it is about time for you to be honest with it. 

But many times, this feeling is one sided and that's where the problem starts.

If you don't tell him/her about your feelings, it might get really uncomfortable for you, hearing about his/her crushes, talks, dates with other people etc.

In the process if you tell him/her about your feelings, he/she might FRIENDZONE you and start keeping distance from you so that you get over him/her or that thought of falling.

That is even worse. (Probably you'll learn it is just far same with other people)

So Falling in love with your best friend can either be one of the best feeling you will ever experience or it might just be the opposite.

PS: I did break the ice. 

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